Zach Galifianakis Quotes

• "When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese."
• "Carl Shut the fuck up, I've moved on"
• "I'm not very hip with the jive thats goin down these days."
• "I was just reading on CNN.com that the kid that had sex with his teacher died today, he died from high fiving."
• "Did you ever do something and think to yourself, thats so raven."
• "I'll tell you something a girl does not like you to whisper into her ear, and its I'm going to perform gihad on your vagina."
• "Carl shut the fuck up...I've moved on."
• "Ughhh, I've told you I dont know how to read."
• "Hi, Amber..Yea i can hold."
• "I don't like having a beard it hurts, my beard hurts."
• "At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? "
• "I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean. "
• "My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing. "
• "I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver."
• "I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?"
• "I call my balls the bush twins."
• "I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks"
• "Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!""
• "Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say.""
• "I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins. "
• "My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh becuase he got distracted by my shoe strings."
• "I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points."
• "My sister was recently diagnosed with multiple personalities...yesterday she called me...my caller ID exploded."
• "I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'"
• "I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy."
• "I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective. "
• " Well, I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but [your scent] is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice. "
• "I don't know how to say this without sounding like an asshole, but I have, like, seven movies this year. It's been busy. Working's new to me. I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed. "
• "I'm going to go steal what he stole from me? Yeah, I'm going to go do that. Steal my persona back from Joaquin. "
• "It was kind of funny when he was on Letterman. I've gotten a lot of e-mails about that, people saying it's too similar to me. I don't really look at it that way."
• "When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E. Cheese. "
• "You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before. "
• "I like to go to really bad movies, during their sixth week, and there's only one other person in the theatre, and I like to sit right next to them. And they're like, 'excuse me?', and I'm like, 'Shhh, I can't hear Keanu. "

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