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Zach Galifianakis Quotes
Zach Galifianakis Quotes
"When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese." "I'm not very hip with the jive thats goin down these days." "I was just reading on CNN.com that the kid that had sex with his teacher died today, he died from high fiving." "Did you ever do something and think to yourself, thats so raven." "I'll tell you something a girl does not like you to whisper into her ear, and its I'm going to perform gihad on your vagina." "Ughhh, I've told you I dont know how to read." "Hi, Amber..Yea i can hold." "I don't like having a beard it hurts, my beard hurts." "At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
" "I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
" "My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
" "I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver." "I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?" "I call my balls the bush twins." "I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks" "Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"" "Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."" "I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.
" "My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh becuase he got distracted by my shoe strings." "I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points." "My sister was recently diagnosed with multiple personalities...yesterday she called me...my caller ID exploded." "I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'" "I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy." "I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.
" " Well, I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but [your scent] is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice. " "I don't know how to say this without sounding like an asshole, but I have, like, seven movies this year. It's been busy. Working's new to me. I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed. " "I'm going to go steal what he stole from me? Yeah, I'm going to go do that. Steal my persona back from Joaquin. " "It was kind of funny when he was on Letterman. I've gotten a lot of e-mails about that, people saying it's too similar to me. I don't really look at it that way." "When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E. Cheese. " "You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before. " "I like to go to really bad movies, during their sixth week, and there's only one other person in the theatre, and I like to sit right next to them. And they're like, 'excuse me?', and I'm like, 'Shhh, I can't hear Keanu.