Woody Allen Quotes

• "A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires."
• "A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'."
• "And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room."
• "As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
• "Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."
• "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
• "Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak."
• "Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue."
• "Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."
• "Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
• "Eighty percent of success is showing up."
• "Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."
• "He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian."
• "His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
• "How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
• "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
• "I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
• "I am two with nature."
• "I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."
• "I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."
• "I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her."
• "I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot."
• "I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
• "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
• "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
• "I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."
• "I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."
• "I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!"
• "I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
• "I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."
• "I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats."
• "I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
• "I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No."
• "I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night."
• "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
• "I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year... for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
• "I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead."
• "I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."
• "I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member."
• "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
• "I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
• "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
• "I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
• "I've never been an intellectual but I have this look."
• "If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."
• "If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right."
• "If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."
• "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
• "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
• "If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
• "In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows."
• "In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows."
• "In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
• "Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."
• "Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right."
• "It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."
• "It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
• "It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies."
• "It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."
• "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
• "Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
• "Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."
• "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."
• "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions."
• "Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun."
• "Marriage is the death of hope."
• "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
• "More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
• "More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
• "Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
• "My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker."
• "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
• "Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again."
• "Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
• "Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats."
• "On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down ."
• "Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."
• "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
• "Seventy percent of success in life is showing up."
• "Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic."
• "Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman."
• "Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously."
• "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
• "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."
• "She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak."
• "Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
• "Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
• "Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness."
• "The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson."
• "The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife-a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held."
• "The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey."
• "The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."
• "The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small."
• "The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
• "The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right."
• "The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have."
• "The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants."
• "There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more."
• "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
• "Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
• "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."
• "To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
• "Tradition is the illusion of permanance."
• "What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
• "What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"
• "When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
• "When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back."
• "Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen."
• "Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?"
• "Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."