Talladega Nights Quotes

• "I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger."
• "Dear Lord baby Jesus, or as our brothers in the south call you, "Jesuz," we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominos, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family. My two beautiful, beautiful, handsome stricking sons, Walker, and Texas Ranger, or TR as we call him. And of course my red hot smokin' wife Carley, who is a stone cold fox."
• "Well look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I'm sayin grace. When you say grace, you can say it to grown up Jesus, or teenage Jesus, or bearded Jesus, or whoever you want."
• "I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say...”I... love... crepes.""
• "Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini!"
• "You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better."
• "Susan, I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now."
• "I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now."
• "I hope you have sons. Beautiful, handsome boys. Articulate, educated, and athletic. And I hope they have their legs taken from them, so you can know what this pain is like."
• "Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!"
• "Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid."
• "It's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid."
• "I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey."
• "Shake and bake!"
• "She said "No, you're wrong." I said "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants."
• "I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that."
• "The room's startin to spin... cause of all the gayness. Cal... I love you"
• "Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!"
• "I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!"
• "Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!"
• "Chip, you brought this on, man."
• "Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!"
• "I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!"
• "If you ain't first, you're last!"
• "Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said...”I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.""
• "If we wanted us some wusses we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman."
• "No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300."
• "Yeah? Well we invented the missionary position... You're welcome."
• "Ladies and Gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact, and is in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation."
• "Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces baby Jesus, new born, not even spoken a word yet."
• "Did that blow your mind, because that just happened."
• "That just happened."
• "I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life."
• "Remember that time in tenth grade when we got kicked out of class for playing with Matchbox cars? Who's the retard now?"
• "It is not sexual in any way. My erection has nothing to do with you."
• "I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party."
• "I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?"
• "Now it is time for the matador to dance with the blind shoe-maker!"
• "I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!"
• "Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!"