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Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
"I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick, that would be convenient" "I think Pringles's initial intention was to make tennis balls ... but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up a big old truck of potatoes arrived ... but Pringles is a laid back company, they said "cut them up"" "I play tennis, the thing that is depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as the wall, I played a wall once, their relentless." "Severed foot is an ultimate stocking stuffer." "I like to wear a do not disturb signs around my neck so that little kids don't tell me knock knock jokes." "The only way I can get my cds into a store is if I bring it in myself and leave it." "I order the club sandwhich all the time, and I'm not even a member, man, I don't know how I get away with it." "I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit." "You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show." "I can type 100 words a minute ... in my own language." "I want to hang a map of the world in my house, then I am going to put pins into all the locations I have traveled to, but first I will have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down." "Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy." "I don't like protesting, but I don't know how to show it." "I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under \"D\"." "Bigfoot is blurry. It's not the photographers fault." "I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
" "I'm not quoting it verbatim, but you know how I feel about Smacky the Frog." "A friend asked if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no. Then I though, well, I'll want a regular banana later. So yeah." "One day you will see me and I will have a beret ON!" "Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, \"I'm gonna go shave too.\"
" "Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
" "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're headed and catch up with them later.
" "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'd certainly have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16-ounce world" "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up" "Dufresne, party of two." "Dogs are forever in the push up postion." "You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something." "Man I went into a pizza place the other day and order a slice. The guy gave me the smallest slice of pizza possible. It was like the pizza was a pie chart, of what people would do if they got a million bucks - I got the give all it away to charity slice.
" "a severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer
" "That tree is FAR AWAY" "I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."