Mitch Hedberg Quotes

• "I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick, that would be convenient"
• "I think Pringles's initial intention was to make tennis balls ... but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up a big old truck of potatoes arrived ... but Pringles is a laid back company, they said "cut them up""
• "I play tennis, the thing that is depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as the wall, I played a wall once, their relentless."
• "Severed foot is an ultimate stocking stuffer."
• "I like to wear a do not disturb signs around my neck so that little kids don't tell me knock knock jokes."
• "The only way I can get my cds into a store is if I bring it in myself and leave it."
• "I order the club sandwhich all the time, and I'm not even a member, man, I don't know how I get away with it."
• "I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit."
• "You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
• "I can type 100 words a minute ... in my own language."
• "I want to hang a map of the world in my house, then I am going to put pins into all the locations I have traveled to, but first I will have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down."
• "Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy."
• "I don't like protesting, but I don't know how to show it."