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Mike Birbiglia Quotes
Mike Birbiglia Quotes
"I spent a lot of my spare time writing as a kid. I've always had a penchant for writing and have an active imagination" ": I'm more confident off stage. I think a lot of comedians, and I'd say I fall into this category, onstage and off stage personas are quite similar. Onstage is a heightened version of the off stage.
" "I'm more confident off stage. I think a lot of comedians, and I'd say I fall into this category, onstage and off stage personas are quite similar. Onstage is a heightened version of the off stage.
" "I've never been in a rush to see big budget films. I'm not against them. It's just not something I go out of my way to do. " "When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"
" "Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike...dances with wildlife...
" "You can't call me cracker. Only we can call each other crackers." "I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.
" "Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy.
" "I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'
" "I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
" "Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."
" "My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian." "I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.
" "I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees... " "Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'
" "What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math. " "A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'
" "Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"
" "It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.
" "I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.
" " I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!" "I'm not very good at drinking either. I just become another person when I drink. One time, I went out drinking and I met this girl and she gave me her number and I didn't want to call her back because I don't think she fell in love with me. I think she fell in love with Two Drink Mike. You know, Two Drink Mike loves dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife. And Five Drink Mike enjoys dancing with wildlife.
" "I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
" " I just love doing that voice: "Me and my cracker friends..." That's like my white guy doing a black guy doing a white guy voice, because all these black comics have that one white guy voice like "This is ridiculous!" like we all sound like British detectives. I don't know anyone who does talk like that. I feel bad for the one guy on Earth who does and he's watching all these black comics on TV and he's like, "This is preposterous! That doesn't sound like me at all! Wait'll I get my hands on that black fellow but first I'm gonna dance!"