Jim Gaffigan Quotes

• "They recently invented the breakfast hot pocket, FINALLY. I can’t think of a better way to start the day; Good morning... you’re about to call in sick. Now I can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be DEAD by dinner. (whisper) Dead Pocket."
• "Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen."
• "I come from a very big family, nine parents."
• "What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, “Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, dunk it in a toilet."
• "Have you ever had the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket? It’s Hot Pocket inside a Hot Pocket. Tastes just like a Hot Pocket."
• "You think when gym teachers were younger, they’re thinking, 'You know, I want to teach... but I don’t want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
• "Who came up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt."
• "My wife always wants me to go to confessional - don't get me wrong, it's not as if I don't ENJOY lying to a holy man."
• "There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea."
• "I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad, it still smells like fish?! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!"
• "Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!"
• "Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like 'Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the SOCKS. They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"
• "I only dated one asian girl, but she was very asian, she was a panda."
• "I was looking at a box of hot pockets and they have a warning on the side. It's like 'Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer! You hillbilly enjoy the next NASCAR event!"
• "I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk."
• "It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia; 4-H."
• "My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant'."
• "I watch a lot of T.V., I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin. That'll grab you by the horn... what horn?"
• "Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."
• "Don't worry, I've never heard of me either."
• "But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."
• "I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana...Mafia."
• "Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John."
• "How did we get to the point where we pay for bottled water? This is more waterly than water."
• "The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal."
• "I was watching the animal planet, did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female."
• "Have you ever read a book that changed your life? Neither have I."
• "When ever you are single, all you see are couples, but when ever you are in a couple, all you see are hookers."