Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

• "I love it when people are complimented on something they're wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well, thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come Say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and match the colors up. "
• "A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
• "I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."
• "I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive."
• "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
• "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
• "The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
• "The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!"
• "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.""
• "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
• "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out.""
• "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."