Evan Esar Quotes

• "If you want noise or silence, the drum is an instrument you can't beat."
• "Life is a card game during the first half of which we get birthday cards, and during the second half get-well cards."
• "If you think there is safety in numbers, try playing roulette."
• "The best time to relax is when you don't have time to relax."
• "Footprints on the sands of time will never be made sitting down."
• "Shakespeare murdered Hamlet, and a great many Hamlets have murdered Shakespeare."
• "The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening."
• "The wheel enabled man to get ahead - until he got behind it."
• "The secret of a secret is to know when and how to tell it."
• "Remember this on your way up, the biggest dog was once a pup"
• "Tomorrow ought to be the longest day in the week -- judging from the number of things we are going to do then."
• "You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it."
• "Truth has only to pass through a few persons to become fiction."
• "It is better to give than lend and costs just about the same."
• "One ounce of example is worth a pound of advice."
• "The best time to make friends is before you need them"
• "You can't use your friends and have them too."
• "No matter how much you nurse a grudge it won't get better."
• "You can never tell wether advice is good or bad until you no longer need it."
• "If there's anything a dentist hates it's a drooping mustache."
• "A dollar saved is a dollar earned, but seldom vice versa."
• "If at first you don't succeed, cry, cry again."
• "The best way to spoil a good story is by sticking to the facts."
• "Some go on a diet while most are merely wishful shrinkers."
• "Consience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does."
• "It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway."
• "Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once."
• "Barking dogs never bite -- while barking."
• "Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl."
• "A signature always reveals a man's character -- and sometimes even his name."
• "Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings."
• "Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions."