Dave Chappelle Quotes

• "Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!"
• "Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere."
• "I was taken to the ghetto once, that's the worst when you're taken and you're not expecting to go. Usually you want to know when you're going to the ghetto, like, "I'm gonna see some wild shit, I gotta prepare myself to see something crazy." When you're taken its different. I had a limousine driver, it was after the show, at like 3 in the morning. I had a limousine driver, he's a nice guy, talking to me and shi'. He's like, "Where you from, dog? DC? Word. That's a rough city, man." And his cellphone started ringing, he's like, "Hold one one second. Hello? Oh, what's up nigga? What? What the fuck, slow down, what? What the fuck? No! No! No! Fuck it, I'm on my way!"
• "Hey, baby! Stop selling weed!"
• "They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "BITCH! I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASHCAN!"
• "Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!"
• "I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it."
• "Im rich bitch!"
• "Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!""
• "No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous."
• "Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it."
• "Then Jasper said "Look here, nigger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me.""
• "Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?"
• "New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried."
• "Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police."
• "I dont like letting my freinds drive drunk, but i was smokin' a joint i really couldn't say shit to the guy."
• "I knew it was a bad idea, but I was high. I tried to explain to him that it was a bad idea but all that came out was well nigger sometimes you gotta race, i don't know."
• "No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack."
• "The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit."
• "Hey baby, baby go home man its three oclock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin weed nigger."
• "Get out of here cracky."
• "What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant."
• "Hey, niggers! Turn that jungle music down! Woogie boogie, nigger! Woogie boogie!"
• "Fuck Nick Cannon! Dave Chappelle!"
• "Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Shit! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother fucker can't even speak English!"
• "I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy, it was an accident. I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce. The stickiest of the icky. You want to smoke with the old boy Rick James?"
• "I'm Rick James, bitch."
• "Good motherfucking choice, motherfucker! Samuel Jackson! Made painstakingly by me, Samuel L. Jackson! It'll get ya drunk! You'll be fucking fat girls in no time! You might even fight a nigga or two! Mmmm-mmm, bitch!"
• "No, I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk! Haven't you seen my movies? "Juice" That was a good one! "Deep Blue Sea" They ate me! A motherfucking shark ate me! Drink up, bitch!"
• "Bitches! Come over here and show Charlie Murphy yo titties!"
• "Skeet Skeet Skeet!"
• "There's times to be real, and there's times to be phony. That's right, I said it, phony! You think I'm this nice in real life? Fuck that, son! That's just 'cause I'm on TV. I'd pull my balls out right now... skeet skeet skeet skeet!"
• "Let's talk about Chinese people! With their kung-fu and their silly chang-chang-chong talk! We can't understand you! Go back to yer country! White power!"
• "Man! Fuck that frog!"