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Daniel Tosh Quotes
Daniel Tosh Quotes
"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad." "My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school." "In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." "Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control." "I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!" "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'" "The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault." "If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?" "Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'." "In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows." "My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson'." "If "no" meant "no" then every man would die a virgin." "If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background? " "I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying." "I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance -- fake" "I'm not honest, but you're interesting. (responding to "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual.") " "Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant."