Dane Cook Quotes

• "Do I want to have kids ... ah, I want to have sex ... if that's the excuse, sure ..."
• "When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain"
• "I was sweating like Shaq at the foul line"
• "They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up ... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus"
• "I would like to keep my a ceremony very small, very intimate, I don't believe in an ostantacious wedding, because I want to save my money for the divorce"
• "Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch"
• "I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorate cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers."
• "Slip 'N Slide, yeah ... it would have been fun if Dad checked for rocks before he put it down ... Slip 'N Bleed From the Anus they should have called this ride."
• "Jesus Christ, Timmy ... don't float above me when I am dying in the abyss."
• "I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush."
• "Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy."
• "When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not"
• "I love the movies, I don't even call them the movies, I call them cinematic adventures."
• "I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school"
• "I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that."
• "I eat the euchrist, or the crouton of Christ."
• "Let's do this ... I'm a cashew."
• "I was literally cheated on, I woke up and they were on top of me."
• "since back in the day, which was a Wednesday, by the way."
• "He was hit by a Dodge ... which I found funny and ironic."
• "When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true."
• "If a chaloopa is attacking you, ahhhh ... just open your mouth, and just let it."
• "I have a new saying, what I see in vegas, I am telling everybody."
• "And you can quote me on the quote unquote."
• "I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead."