Clerks Quotes

"And I'm caught right in the middle - torn between my loyalty to the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on."
"Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal."
"I feel good today, Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, and we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna fuck this bitch, and fuck this bitch, I'll fuck ANYTHING THAT MOVES! What the fuck you lookin at, I'll kick yo fuckin ass! Shit yeah. Doesn't that fucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin tonight, we're gonna rip off that fucker's head, and take out his fuckin' SOUL. Hey, what's up baby, what's up, sluts?"
"My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad."
"I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit."
"Shit my grandmother used to say 'What's better, fuckin, a good plate with nothin on it... ' no wait I fucked up. 'What's a good plate with nothing on it?"
"I dunno, she was senile and shit, she used to fuckin piss herself all the time, and shit herself. Come on Silent Bob, lets get the fuck out of this fucking jip joint, with this fucking faggot Dante, you cock smoker!"
"Well I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ, I think I'm gonna be sick!"
"You just fucked a total stranger?"
"If you break Dante's Heart again, I'll kill you. Nothing personal."
"Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame."
"I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics."
"So I'm no more responsible for my own decisions while I'm here at work than, say, the Death Squad soldiers in Bosnia?"
"You're a danger to both the dead and the living."
"You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie."
"Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!"
"You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."
"People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom.""
"Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity."
"How many dicks have you sucked?"
"Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?"
"37! My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks!"
"Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!"
"He broke his neck while trying to suck his own dick!"
"Noinch, Noinch, Noinch, Schmokin Weed, Schmokin' Weed, Doin' Coke, Drinkin' Beers..."
"My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels."
"My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!"
"My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has suck 36 dicks."
"Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule."
"I love your sex talk. It's so kindergarten. "Poo poo". "Wee wee"."