Carlin George Quotes

• "Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds."
• "There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals oughta be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your lifes in greater numbers. "
• "I got 341 days sober and next year is my 50th anniversary in show business. Let's do a fuckin' show, huh? "
• "You know something people don't talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts. "
• "And the two of you are lying there, each wondering if the other one farted, and the guy is usually thinking, \"Maybe she farts when she cums. Maybe she took a shit. God, I better stay out of that fuckin' bar.\" "
• " It's called the American Dream. Because you have to be asleep to believe it."
• "Another word you don't hear too often is \"dingleberies.\" You know? You never hear it on \"Meet the Press.\" I think it's because \"dingleberries\" is one of those words you don't say too much past your tenth birthday. It's not a grown-up's word; it's a kid's word. \"Dingleberries!\" It alaways sounded kind of Christmas-y to me. Don't you think it has a holiday ring to it? Dingleberries. \"John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door! Then when Mary Anne comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries!\""
• "It is to be devoutly wished that she would kiss me... under the dingleberries."
• "That's it, I'm hanging myself and Wal-Mart's paying for it! "
• "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. "
• "If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
• "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
• "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam."
• "Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac. "
• "There are seven words you cannot say on television. They are, shit, fuck, piss, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits."
• "It's never just a game when you're winning."
• "Hobbies cost money, interests are free"
• "Way up on a mountain, when nooooooooo one was around, God gave Moses the 10 commandments."
• "If I can see something.. I don't know.. kinda helps the credibility a lot."
• "Recently, in a public bathroom, I used the handicapped stall. As I emerged, a man in a wheelchair asked me indignantly, \"Are you handicapped?\" Gathering all my aplomb, I looked him in the eye and said, \"Not now. But I was before I went in there."
• "Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?"
• "A guy say to me \"are you gay?\" and I say \"bend over and let's find out\"."
• "Leave my friend alone officer he's LEGALLY drunk"
• "Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.."
• "Things you never hear: \"Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the Police.\" "
• "Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to the hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to piss him off."
• "Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick."
• "Here it could be a good name for a gay restaurant.. \"the mouthful\", besides you don't need to eat there if you don't want to.. just go in, have a cocktail or a highball..."
• "When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies."
• "That's probably the most interesting thing in your life. End it."
• "There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case."
• "I was a Christian till I reached the age of reason."
• "I say, \"Hey, Spaceman. As long as your hands are free reach over here and fondle my balls, would you please?"
• "Here's another unfortunate pack of mutants who ought to be penciled in for a sudden visit from the angel of death."
• "Here are some more musical vermin whose mothers we wish had medical plans that included abortion."
• "Here's some more people who deserve an inoperable tumour at the base of their spines."
• "Here's another pack of jack offs who ought to be strangled in front of their children."
• "Here are some more people with missing chromosomes who ought to be thrown screaming from a helicopter."

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