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"Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch." "Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid." "This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it." "Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?" "Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity." "Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though." "You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?" "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!" "In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'." "I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?" "Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it." "It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat." "License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong." "A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish." "You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia." "I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit." "I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them." "Thank you very little." "He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife." "Hey, did somebody step on a duck?" "You'll get nothing, and like it." "Bless this ship, and all who sail on her. I christen thee The Flying WASP." "Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too." "I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball." "I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think." "You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already." "Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still." "At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out... You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean... You know who that guy was Danny?" "Remember Danny - Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left." "Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left." "Hey, that kangaroo just took my ball."